Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Chore I Hate the Most

I hate to do chores. Well, that's not really true. I hate the need to do chores. I procrastinate with all the other things that I need to do before I will resort to chores. Call it ADHD. Call it being messy, a slob, whatever. My step-mom even calls it "But First! Syndrome". As in, I need to do the dishes, BUT FIRST I need to answer emails. And then, I need to answer emails, BUT FIRST I should really make that vet appointment the dog needs and check in on Suzy Q from church who just had her baby to see if she needs me to bring her dinner tonight. It usually ends up meaning I have a whole lot of half done chores and nothing to show for it.

However, once I really get into a chore, I love the productive feeling I get. That sense of pride that something is getting done, that's what really drives me. Because when I'm done, I take a deep breath and feel better. And I don't just feel better about my to do list. I feel better in general. I accomplished something. It feels good.

So while I really dislike scrubbing the pots and pans, I feel good about it being done. I really don't like to do dishes. Especially since it's a never-ending cycle of scrub, dry, put away and then a few hours later, get back out, used to cook, and then have to scrub, dry, etc all over again. But I do it, because in those few hours between the new cleanliness and the start of the new mess, it feels good. Although, I might have, on occasion, gone out for dinner just to preserve the clean state of the kitchen for a few extra hours. Don't even pretend you can't relate.

I dislike doing the dishes, I dislike this particular chore on a level above the others. Still, it isn't the chore I hate the most. The chore I hate the most is one I only have to do every couple of months. It's one I'll have to do every few months, sometimes weeks, for the next several years, and then one day, I won't have to do it anymore.

I hate cleaning out my son's closet. Like all other chores, I love the feeling I get when I know I'm being productive. Unlike the other chores, I don't procrastinate on this one. As soon as it's time for him to move up to the next size because he has several other things that don't fit, it's time for the small stuff to make room for the bigger stuff. However, the feeling of pride over my productivity is often overshadowed by another feeling altogether.

With every piece of clothing I pull out of his drawer, or off of his hangers, I realize just how quickly my son is growing up. I realize that those days that seemed long, were shorter than I thought. Those moments that seemed like they would never end, when he would cry and reach for me because he needed me to do every little thing for him, are getting fewer and fewer everyday.

I get more chores done around the house now. I can scrub pots and pans, do laundry, and even cook simple meals without him having a conniption that I'm not standing or sitting right next to him every second. My house is cleaner. My to do list reaches completion more often. He doesn't need me to entertain him at all times, because he has learned to entertain himself.

We still have play time together. We still have reading time together. He still needs me to make meals, give baths, kiss boo-boos, and do all the other things that a one year old needs his mom to do. But he already doesn't need me all the time anymore.

With every pair of pants that is now too short or too snug, with every shirt that isn't long enough, with every pair of socks that no longer completely covers his heels, he has hit milestones that means he is becoming more independent. He needs me less.

He is my son. To some degree he will always need me. Even if it is just to love him. But one day, that's all he'll need of me. And that is so very bittersweet. One day he will be grown. He will have a job, a home that is not mine, and a family for whom he is responsible. He will have these things because each day we (I'm not in this alone, after all) teach him new skills. We teach him right from wrong. We are slowly, each day, teaching him not to need us. Not to need me.

There are still days, usually when I am carrying him into church or the store, when I think, "Little man, you need to learn how to walk because you are getting heavy." And then I know that one day he will be able to walk, run even, and I will chase after him and wish he was still small enough to carry.

I open the box his old clothes go into and look at all the other outfits in it. He was so small once! I remember when he wore this. He woke up every three hours to eat and I felt like a zombie. I prayed he would sleep through the night so that I could, too. I remember when he wore that, he couldn't crawl yet and would just roll across the floor to get to his destination, which was, more often than not, me. Now I put a new batch of clothes in the box. Ones that I will long for a few months from now. Ones that I'm sure I will weep over someday when I clean out the attic and this is not the only box of things he has long since outgrown.

As a mother, the days can seem very long. You have laundry to wash. You have dishes to clean. You have floors to sweep or vacuum. You have shelves to dust, towels to fold, toys to pick up, and bills to pay. You have food to cook. You have emails and phone calls to answer. You have a million little things that you need to be doing and you have this little person, this beautiful, wonderful, adorable, hugely needy little person pulling at your pant leg. You wonder, will this phase ever end? And then? It does. It's over. You still have a million things to do, but that little person isn't as little anymore and is off doing something without you. It makes your to do list easier, but your days are shorter. The years are shorter. And that breaks your heart.

I'm proud of every milestone my son hits. I'm proud of every new thing he learns how to do. But I know just how fast time is going by. I know because that deep, wide box of clothes is almost full. I'll have to start a new box now. Another box to pack memories into and close the lid on.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have chores to finish. I need to do the dishes, BUT FIRST I think I'll play with my son a little longer.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Fanxiety

I can't take credit for the title. A friend of mine has been using the term since Mississippi State Football first hit #1 in the polls.

But I TOTALLY get it.

I'm the kind of State fan that has ridden the roller coaster of hope and disappointment before. A LOT. We, as Bulldogs, embody the old adage of "hope springs eternal". Perennially, we hope that THIS will be the year that we go back to Atlanta. Each year (except 1998), we quickly realize that THIS will actually be the year that we will only squeak into bowl eligibility, and Atlanta is COMPLETELY out of the picture.

Not this year.

This year is the season (so far. knock on wood.) that even us seasoned, jaded fans are starting to raise our eyes to that metropolitan skyline in Georgia. It is full of possibilities, good publicity, fun games, close calls, and more positive comments from color commentators than we have EVER received.

Seriously, in the past when we beat a team by whom we were expected to be made in minced meat, it was always their own fault. Commentators talked about how our opponents fell apart, never about our own efforts. For the most part, this was with good reason. We've been really bad in the past. REALLY bad. On an EPIC level. Sometimes, though, it was just insulting.

Now, each week, the praise gets better. Our mistakes are noted as unfortunate, but not insurmountable. When other teams rattle us, even for a few minutes of play, it is OUR fault, not THEIR strength. Oh, how the tables have turned. For the first time in forever (fear not, I'm not breaking into a Disney song here), WE are the team to beat. For the first time EVER, we are NUMBER ONE. IN THE COUNTRY. And we did it in RECORD TIME.

We are the first #1 ranked team to ever be announced by the selection committee for the college football playoff. We are the answer to a question in a future version of Trivial Pursuit.

I LOVE IT.

And I hate it.

And I LOVE it

It's a roller coaster. Did I mention I get motion sick? Us Bulldogs, we're not conditioned for this.

Why the hate? Because every week, WE ARE THE TEAM TO BEAT. For any team that can manage it, we are a statement. We are a moral victory. If they can beat us, WE are their big win. I'm not comfortable in this position. I'm not accustomed to it. To know that EVERY team you play against will NOT be looking past you to the next big team on their schedule, but that you ARE the big team on their schedule. They are all gunning for us. US. The Bulldogs. Smallest athletic budget in the SEC. Small town, cow college, no respect, backwoods, maroon and white, MISSISSIPPI STATE. Suddenly, we have a target on our back. And our chest. And our helmet.

Every week matters. EVERY WEEK.

It's both beautiful and horrific.

I love it because I love winning. I love the celebration. And, truthfully, I love the team this year. I'm not the biggest fan of each and every individual player, but for the most part, I really like this group of guys.

But on the flip side, every time a turnover happens, or an opponent makes it to the red zone, I start to feel a mild internal panic. Because THIS could be the moment when it all goes down the drain. THIS could be the moment that ruins the rest of the year. THIS could be what keeps us out of the playoff. THIS WEEK. THIS GAME. THIS MOMENT.

It's exhausting.

I knew it would be lonely at the top. I didn't realize it would be this nerve wracking.

Of course, that might only be because I'm a tad too emotionally invested in a sports team.

Stop judging. I'm sure you have the same problem with something in your life. It just maybe isn't sports. Glass houses, people.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this season immensely. And also trying not to have a coronary event at every turn.

And if Dak Prescott doesn't win the Heisman, I might lose the only ounce of cool I have ever possessed.

Y'all pray for me.