Friday, September 26, 2014

I Don't Even Like That Girl

I really, REALLY love the song "Lead Me to the Cross". I don't even care which of the MANY Contemporary Christian Artists is singing, and seriously, A LOT of them have recorded this song. I love it all.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about the chorus:

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out,
Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down,
Rid me of myself, I belong to You,
Lead me, lead me to the cross.

I especially have been focusing on the the "rid me of myself" part. It is an everyday struggle for me to relinquish control and give it to the Lord, to whom it really belongs. Sometimes, it is a battle I fight several times in the same day. I love the Lord. I trust the Lord. I want Him at the helm of my life. So why is it so hard to let Him?

When the Lord is in charge, when I'm committed to serving Him, I am nicer. I am more productive. I feel love and joy in ways that I just can't explain and don't even compare to when I'm steering the ship of my life. The trouble is, I'm a bit of a control freak.

But why do I want to be in control, when I KNOW just how much better it is when God has the reigns? Who am I, when I'm in control. I look in the mirror to see.

Oh, the mirror. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. I know that girl looking back at me. It took me a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time to learn to love her. I do now, I love her. I love the kindness I discovered deep down in her heart. I love her endless creativity. The trouble is, no matter how much I love her, I can't seem to like her. Her kindness is buried within and her creativity is hidden behind the fear of sharing it. She has a constant need for approval, but she has trouble letting people in. Her heart is not hidden behind a brick wall, but a barbed wire fence. She is witty, but often uses her wit in a cutting and judgmental manner. When she feels she has been wronged she can be vengeful and mean. She's not so great at the forgive and forget mantra. She loves food a little too much.She's moody. She can be really condescending.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER. So why is it so hard to let go of her?

I know her. She's comfortable. I am her, after all. To give everything over to the Lord I have to step outside my comfort zone. I have to willingly walk into the unknown. The thing is, it is not unknown to Him. Recently, I was given an illustration. Take a piece of paper and draw a line all the way across it. Pick up a straw and look through it to see the line. You can only see a little bitty, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot...wait, scratch that last part. The point is, you can only see a very small, minute part of the overall line. The line is like a timeline of our lives. We can only see the day to day. A tiny piece of the overall line. God sees the whole line, though. He knows what is coming. He knows how to prepare me. The trials I face each day are his way of shaping me so that I am best suited for what is coming.I know that. And it helps, really. It's still a little scary to relinquish control.

I love the Lord. I get to know Him more a little each day. But I have a finite mind and will never understand all that he understands. That girl in the mirror? I know her completely. That's why she's so hard to let go of.

I'm working on it, though. Everyday. All day. Constantly.

Rid me of myself. Please.

I don't even like that girl.

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