Thursday, August 25, 2011

Who Are You Calling a Hussy?

Disclaimer: Nobody asked me to write this. In fact, they probably won't even be that happy about it.

I know a lot of people in my age group view Merle Norman cosmetics as something ladies older than us wear, but the truth is, I like it. I've been wearing it since I was in high school. It was the only brand of make-up I could find that didn't make my oily skin break out like I was hitting puberty all over again. I have been fairly faithful to the brand throughout the years, even though I can't just go down to the drugstore and pick up what I want, I feel it is worth it to go into a Merle Norman store and get what I want, and also have someone to talk to about my specific skin care and cosmetic needs. Having said all that, while I don't think it will cause me to switch brands, I was very surprised at the name of their new collection.

The Hussy Collection. There it was. Right up there on the wall. They say a picture it worth a thousand words, but my description will have to do for now. It was a woman leaning out of what seemed like a fancy sports car, with her lips so done up she looked desperate and her arms obviously positioned in such a way so that her boobs looked bigger. I'll give it to them, she did look like a hussy. No question about that. I wasn't mad when I saw it. Honestly, I gave a little snort of laughter and told the store owner (who was ringing up my purchase) that I thought that was a seriously unfortunate ad campaign. She rolled her eyes and responded that she agreed.

Apparently, there was some big wig car guy named John Hussy and his cars were special. Now, I won't go so far as to say that there isn't a woman who would know this, but I am fairly sure about a couple of things: 1 - a man came up with this campaign, and 2 - the car enthusiast woman who would make the connection between John Hussy and the car in the picture probably aren't Merle Norman's target market. Why am I fairly certain about these things? Because most women associate the word hussy with, well, a whore. And that is the LAST thing that women want to be thinking about when the go to purchase make-up. This is a disaster of EPIC proportions. And I want to know who let this terrible idea ever make it out of a board room. Somewhere along the way SOMEBODY should have just said, "Oh, honey, NO."

Again, this won't keep me from being a customer. I refuse to blame the store owner who had nothing to do with this idea, and doesn't particularly care for it either. I don't see the need to switch brands to avoid the unbelievably stupid ad on the wall. I mean, I probably won't buy anything from the Hussy collection specifically, but Merle Norman in general is pretty safe. But just for the record, there will be backlash from other customers. Or as Merle Norman will soon be referring to them, former customers.

The Hussy Collection? For a cosmetic company? REALLY? Dumbest move ever. Merle Norman, may she rest in peace, would be furious.

So, to the person who came up with this ad I have to ask you two questions. What on God's green earth were you thinking? And just who are you calling a hussy?!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Survey Says: None Of Your Business

Disclaimer: I'm ranting today. Get over it.

I think that, since the beginning of time, every married couple who didn't get pregnant on their honeymoon has been asked, "So when are you going to start having kids?" And the crazy thing is that people actually think this is socially acceptable. So let me clear things up: it's not.

You expect it from you parents. They have a vested interest in the continuation of their line. They want grandchildren. So it's actually pretty natural that they would ask, and they are pretty much the only people who will ask with any level of acceptability. Again, it's expected. Your close friends and family get a free pass, too. Not all acquaintances. Not all family members. Just the close ones. Basically, if you know somebody well enough to recite everything an identity thief dreams of, as well as what toilet paper they buy and their list of favorites it's probably okay to talk about it with them. They tell you everything else, they probably won't withhold this information either.

For everybody else, listen up: this is a personal question. You are essentially asking a couple about the intimate details of their sex life. Back off. Draw a line. You didn't change their diapers when they were young. You didn't hold their hand while they cried through the social disasters of the inevitable awkward phase. You didn't live with them through college when they decided who they were really going to be. So why on Earth would they tell you about their plans for reproduction?

For the couple: There are several ways you can respond to the age old, yet still inappropriate question. They vary in appropriateness based on the level of patience you have left for hearing it asked again....for the umpteenth time. The first time someone asks you, you stand there a little shell shocked that someone you only know so well would actually ask you this. After that awkward pause you answer, "Oh, I don't know. I suppose it will happen when it happens."

The next time you hear it, you give a grimace of a smile and say, "I don't know, I guess we're not really ready yet." (Side note: when this person says something like, "Well, you're never really ready," thinking that they can press you, it's okay to just walk away. I mean what do they really expect? "Well, we had a romantic rendezvous just last night, so here's hoping!" People shouldn't ask questions they don't really want an honest answer to, and you shouldn't dignify their presumption with an answer.)

When the question continues to be asked, you start to say things like, "I think that's between us and God, don't you?" This isn't as direct as you would like to be, but it is generally successful in changing the direction of the conversation.

Next you move into, "I think that's kind of personal," territory; then, "That's really none of your business; and finally you say what you have been thinking all along, which is, "That's really none of your freakin' business."

Now, most people get the point before you get to that last group, but some people just can't take a hint. I know there are probably better answers to be included in this list, but after a while you quit caring about being polite. I know a person, a close friend of my family, who once said she wanted to write a book called Leave them the F Alone that would be about all the things people think it's okay to ask a couple, when it is really quite inappropriate. For instance, when they are dating (just dating, not engaged) you DON'T ask, "So when are you getting married?" And when they get married you just DON'T ask, "So when are you going to start having kids?" At the time when she told me this I laughed and thought it was funny, but now that I get asked that on a decently regular basis, I often think of her and am tempted to offer to be a co-author. I think we could hit the best-seller list.

Okay, my very cathartic rant is now over and I can go back to being my sweet, not at all hot-tempered self. So in the words of the late (and missed!) Paul Harvey, "Good Day."

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Few Lessons I've Learned Recently

Let me start by saying that my absence from the blog lately wasn't really intentional. I got a little busy with other activities. The good news is, though, I learned a few things from those ventures that I have decided to share with you.

1. No matter how much you love children, any adult who orchestrates, participates, or otherwise helps out with Vacation Bible School should be entitled to a free vacation.

2. When moving across the country, say from Georgia to California (like some friends of ours), make sure the U-Haul you have rented is actually equipped with cruise control.

3. When your husband comes home from work, gives you a kiss and ten minutes later says, "I don't feel good all of the sudden," it's already too late. Congratulations, now your both sick.

4. I think days when we are under an "Excessive Heat Warning" because the temperature (in Fahrenheit) is above 100 degrees BEFORE calculating the heat index (which is closer to 120), might be God's way of reminding us that Hell is a real place.

5. Of course, I think that dogs, children, and swimming pools (or trips to the lake!) might also be His way of reminding us that Heaven is a real place, too.

6. I think the website I Has A Hotdog is the most adorable waste of time ever. It is made up entirely of pictures of dogs and funny captions to go with them. Always good for a laugh!

Class Dismissed.